Yesterday I thought it might be allergies, but the antihistamine and I didn’t get along too well so I didn’t take it today. That would account for the inner ear weirdness, but … everything seems off. A lot of twitching and swaying, too.

~

I am enjoying a lovely line of communication with two potential subs. I feel gifted to have these two, even at the level of conversation. Both are creative and dedicated to creating both an artistic space, and a lifestyle household. I find them each fascinating in their own ways, and both are wanting to explore the edge of or perhaps the reality of TPE.

Hopefully I’ll have the chance to meet them soon, to see if there is a possibility of exploring further options.

~

A sub was supposed to come visit for the weekend, potentially to move in as a roommate, though we have hoped all along for something more. He was supposed to be here yesterday around 10am, after making a 4 hour drive. He hasn’t arrived, and isn’t responding to any of my communications. On Friday evening he was so excited to visit, I have no idea what happened.

I’ve had a lot of cancelations lately. Two on Thurs, one on Fri, this one on Sat, and one for Tues. Strange.

~

So who wants to come mow my lawn? No, really. My roommate has her kid here this week so they are out having fun, and I can’t do it. The sub who offered never showed up and its getting pretty bad.

I need to continue the cleaning sweep I am on, but this dizziness is really making it difficult to do anything. Including the activities I came up with to do while procrastinating. Hmmmm….

I wish I were that person, I really do. I cannot let go of my identity even for all that money could buy me. The offer came from someone who does not know me well enough to understand me. He felt we had a spiritual connection, but then asked me to compromise my identity. There is nothing spiritual in that. I am who I am, and I make no apologies for it. I cannot be bought, and anyone who wishes for me to compromise like that isn’t really concerned for my best interests.

Nonetheless, I am sad. I have walked away from something enormous. Something which in most other ways, I genuinely want for myself. But to let go of who I am means it is no longer what I want and need, but what I would be settling for.

I’ll miss the creature I had hoped to keep shackled and chained in my basement. Having encountered him has radically changed my life, and most of what he taught me will be put into practice. He helped me to reawaken me inner most callings. I am a different person now. For this I am thankful. I am at a loss as to how he could mentor me to answer a higher spiritual calling and then ask me to compromise it, but that is ultimately what he did.

So that is that, and now I move on.

Tears sprang from my eyes as I received confirmation this afternoon that I am not the only one who heard. A beautiful and challenging journey is before me, and I have no thoughts of turning back. An Irish blessing states: May the road rise up to meet you. What it fails to mention is that you then have to take the step.

My calling is to care for the slaves down below, but to stay up above. The calling courses through my veins. I have nothing materially to make this happen, but I give thanks for the knowledge of who I am, and what I am meant to be.

Everything has changed in the last month.

I am not who I was, and I am getting used to my new flesh as it forms within my new skin. The changes aren’t just physical. I feel really alive right now. I feel really cared about, too. A lot of really great people are in my life, and many new people are coming along as well.

My confidence has grown. I feel I have reached a sense of grace that I haven’t  known before. Not to say that I am good at it, but the difference is palpable.

I don’t have a penny to my name. That isn’t a metaphor, I really am the broke right now. If I don’t find a suitable roommate soon, there will be serious problems. I am in danger of having my gas and electricity turned off. I have no plan in place to pay the bill, unless a roommate shows up. I hope it will be okay. I’m nervous, but I have to trust that things will work out. I am working as hard as I can, and hopefully it will pay off.

In the meanwhile, I am giving thanks. Thanks for what I have. Thanks for the love and support I have known. Thanks for my improving health. Thanks for being able to see my family soon. Most of all, thanks for finally being able to accept myself for who I am. There is so much to give thanks for, that even though I am in need, I must continue to give thanks.

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. The sound of rain on cathedral ceilings, the comfort of my bedding, the pillows, the cool damp breeze, melodies to the harmony of the rain, floating through my mind.

Last night I was able to finally enjoy my own sexuality. It was no easy feat, as I still feel sexually compromised. I was able to view images of a slave who had been volunatrily beaten and they are amongst the most severe images I have seen. The rush, the arousal, the involunatry throwing back of my head and hair. I had full intense bodily responses to images I had nothing to do with. I believe the response was at least in part due to the fact that this slave and I are talking about working together, at least on a part-time basis. Just thinking of it now, the fact that I soon could do that has the endorphins going.

It was recently suggested to me that I do not have the focus are motivation to be a cruel Domina. My sweet exterior is often mistaken, especially since I relate in the vanilla world so well, even to have vanilla lovers at times. Don’t be fooled. I am harsh. I am intense. I have a hunger that cannot otherwise be satiated. And I am only just starting this part of my journey.

In other news, a cute little subbie has contacted me. He is close enough to being local that we can probably work things to meet and to work together. He is too adorable. I have minimal interest in subs anymore, but I feel quite strongly that he’ll be a delightful bit of entertainment for me.

I need to figure out a cost plan for all of these subs and slaves. I have no interest in being a professional Domme, but keeping these people is expensive, and while I’ll let them all know that they can and should give me a tribute, the ones that come for overnights who require meals, need to cover their own costs at least.

Another day has passed without my getting much homework done. I have two papers to write this week, a final exam to take on Monday.

On the upside, I found enough cash to prevent the water from being shut off. My phone is still on, though I have no idea how, and my mom wants to get me home for the family reunion. All good things. I better get back to my homework now.

More sadness, too, since I’ve lost the slave I had been interviewing. I guess its my fault, I kept to prior commitments by even taking the trip. In doing so I was manipulated and exploited by a so-called friend. By allowing that, I didn’t make what mattered most to me the priority. I thought honoring previous commitments was important, but it isn’t. All people in my present and future will be at a loss because of this woman. No longer will I be going out of my way for a friend, no matter how much they mean to me. The cost is simply too high.

I still think he (the slave) has misinterpreted events, though he seems to believe me. In fact, what he feels this person deserves is nothing less than poetic, lucky for her it is outside the bonds of what I am capable of. Still, I’ve probably lost him. Elijah came to the door but I was so busy getting used and abused I wasn’t able to answer. I doubt I’ll ever really forgive myself.

~

I could seriously use some TLC. I could use a gentle and nurturing massage or sexual experience as well. I want to not feel dirty anymore. This isn’t the first time I’ve been sexually compromised and I’m sure it won’t be the last, but it is having a stronger affect on me than the last time it happened, though the nature of the incident is similar. I guess the difference is that it was a so-called friend, whom I had I had gone out of my way to help, hundreds of miles from home, by someone who claims to live life based on consent, who actually advises others regarding it (life coach my ass)… If only this incident weren’t the worst of what happened. I spent three days in a state of trauma. That will take a toll on anyone.

by Ms Areli, Summer 2009

SUBMISSIVE:
A submissive is one with whom I have a personal relationship. They are free people who turn over varying levels of power (depending on negotiations) to me. I may control anything from what they wear to what they eat, but in many ways they are still free people. They have social lives and personal interests. I require my submissive(s) to continue their educations, not necessarily academically, though that is an option. Generally it is through personal education at the library or other similar resources. I work with subs to mold them into the best people they can be. Some come to me because they wish to work on something in particular in their lives, I address that as well as anything I else I see in need of improving.

I keep submissives in their place; they know where they rank in my life. They are below me, though we may still have some sort of personal relationship be it either friendship or perhaps even a romantic connection. The submissive often has friends outside my circle of friends, whom they stay in contact with, with some restrictions.

With a submissive I start with mild rules that grow and change as needs grow and change.

SLAVE:
True slavery is a concept that has existed in every culture on earth. Though some cultures didn’t practice it, they were aware of the concept. America has a harsh history of slavery, of people being slaves based on who they were born to, or the color of their skin. Throughout history, this has been the deciding factor between those who are slaves and those who own them. In some places this is still happening, but for the most part slavery no longer exists as it once did.

Slaves however, do exist. They are generally born as free citizens but never really feel free. Their truest calling is to be kept as property, with varying levels of service. Some provide me with the whipping posts I need for my own sense of balance and entertainment from. Some serve as a domestic assistant (household chores, maintenance, meal prep) or personal assistant (an attendant who is with me at just about all times, managing my schedule, my driver, shopper, assistant in just about all personal areas of life. I have never found a suitable person for this role).

There are many in the lifestyle who use the word slave to mean something other than property (to the extent that human property is legal). I find this baffling and annoying. For many years I was a vegetarian, and one of my pet peeves would be when someone said that they were vegetarian but that sometimes they eat chicken. Um… no. Call it what it is. If you are owned property you are a slave, if you are not, you may be a submissive or a bottom. There is nothing wrong with these terms.

Someone recently told me that I am narrow minded because I think this way, she didn’t seem to appreciate it when I handed her my notebook insisting that the sheet of paper were slices of bread. We live in a culture where calling something by the wrong name has become socially acceptable, but it really does complicate things. I try very hard to respect those who live differently than I do though such respect isn’t often returned. We will all be of better assistance to one another if we keep to a common language. The concept of slavery isn’t new, why change it? Nowadays it is contractually arranged, but it is nonetheless valid. Along this same theme: A submissive cannot be owned. They are people, not property. Collaring as sub doesn’t make them a slave unless the contract is renegotiated.

BOTTOMS, AND TOPS:
Sometimes people just like to receive pain (or pleasure) inflicted upon them by someone else. The person inflicting the pain/pleasure is the top, the one receiving is the bottom. I top people who are not my subs/slaves. In no other way do they offer service, they simply come by for a session, one in which we both enjoy. Outside of the session we are often friends or at least associates. The bottom may take me to dinner as an exchange for the session, as I am not a pro-Domme and I do not charge. I wish we had a better term for this for example; I have a new bottom who comes through town every few months. Just saying that sounds silly, though it is incredibly accurate.

DISTINCTIONS:
It is true that submissives serve in some of these ways as well, for part of being a sub is to serve, but the slave does so differently. The slave may be seen but is never heard. The slave is naked and shackled at all times, unless there are visitors to the house or if they have to leave the house with me. The sub wears clothing, albeit at times clothing to humiliate. The sub has verbal communication most of the time.

Another difference is if I am away from the house with a sub and a slave, the sub walks a few feet ahead of me so I can keep an eye on them, the slave walks a few feet behind me, seeing little other than my walking feet.

The basic rank in my household is Me – sub – slave. This does not meant that the slave answers to the sub. All answer to me, but the slave is in fact lower than the sub. The sub is a person. The slave is property.

There are many more distinctions between the two, feel free to ask for more clarification if need be.

COLLARING:
Both subs and slaves wear collars, but they mean very different things. When I agree to take on a submissive, they usually have a collar that goes with it. This collar is functional more than it is symbolic. It helps keep the sub’s mind in the right place. It is used for a leash or for other forms of binding. It is removed when leaving the house. For me to collar a sub (‘collar’ being a verb here) is very much like marriage. While not legally established like marriage it is that sort of commitment. I have never collared a sub.

For a slave a collar means a very different thing. It indicates owned property. Most slaves start with a short contract, a month or three months, and eventually build to something larger. During the contracted time, the slave is essentially the property of the master/mistress. Once the slave’s contract becomes indefinite (usually after a few years of service) the slave is owned property, much like an appliance or a table. The laws regarding this are slippery, we (in the US and other western countries) still have laws regarding indentured and domestic servitude, and similar forms of service, but in terms of the agreement between the owner and the slave, this is what is agreed upon.

EVERYTHING IS AGREED UPON:
For both the sub and the slave, everything is agreed upon. Everyone has hard limits, even if they are few in number. For example, most people do not wish to interact with children or animals (I don’t). This is agreed upon ahead of time and must be honored. For an owner to ignore such a limit is a violation of the most severe kind, and is indicative a fake in the lifestyle. Abuse, violence, and rape can and do occur in this lifestyle. Consent must always be present. Most true slaves have so few limits that it may appear as if they do not, but that is because a true owner knows how to handle these limits, while still keeping slave in its place. If there are too many limits, then the slave is probably not in a place where they can commit to true slavery. This does not mean that they’ll not get there eventually. The point however, is that everyone has limits.

A common limit for a slave for example, is the requirement of proper nutrition and hydration. I used to help prepare food for someone else’s slave, for breakfast the slave ate a combination of a multi-grain hot cereal mixed with a smoothie mix that contained all of the day’s vitamins, additional nutrients, and plenty of whey protein. The smoothie was blended with soy milk, and it was all mixed together with the hot cereal (no longer hot) and served in a dog dish. I tasted it, it wasn’t bad tasting, though the texture was gloppy. Sometimes fresh fruit was added. This particular slave didn’t use its hands to eat, so the texture of his food was always a gruel. To feed a slave only bread and butter (as so many who contact me suggest that I may do) isn’t something I’ll consider. Keeping the slave healthy is crucial.

SUB TO SLAVE:
Sometimes a sub becomes a slave. I do not take on subs with that intention, but I have seen it happen, and it is a genuine experience. Sometimes service needs to start slower, training to be mild at first, and after some time has passed, it is clear to both the sub and the Dom(me) that the sub has a deeper calling. This is sacred. Answering one’s calling is always sacred, regardless of lifestyle.

THERE IS NO YENTE:
If only there were a trained matchmaker for the BDSM lifestyle. Even in the olden days of widespread slave ownership, there were slaves who were traded and sold. Not every sub/slave can serve every owner. Different people have different needs or interests. I recently interviewed a slave whom I found to be genuine and sincere, with whom I greatly enjoyed the interview process. In the end however, the sort of needs he had were outside anything I cared to do. To have him even try to serve me would have been inappropriate. I have no interest in keeping subs/slaves whom aren’t meant to be mine. I have no interest in tricking someone into being something they are not. This lifestyle only works when everyone involved works from their core calling, that which is true and genuine.

FINANCIAL SERVITUDE:
I am not a professional Domme. I honor and celebrate my sisters who are, but it isn’t what I do. Those who live here must pay for their room and board. If I were wealthy, I wouldn’t require this. I have a house to pay for, there is need for food and supplies and utilities… I charge everyone who lives here rent and everyone pays a portion of the utilities and food costs. That’s life. No matter where or how one lives, these things must be paid for.

Beyond the basic cost of living type needs, it is appropriate for a sub/slave to contribute to the comfort of the Dom(me)’s life. This could be through services of beauty (training in mani/pedicures, massage, spa type treatments) or through financial or material gifts. This isn’t about breaking the bank or the Dom(me) turning a profit, it is about showing thanks for the training you are receiving.

Long term, it is not uncommon for the slave to turn over all of its assets to the Dom(me). I have never reached this point of an M/s relationship, but I am very aware that it happens. It is not my goal to reach this point, it happens out of a practical arrangement as the slave leaves the outside world all together. The purpose is so that the owner has the resources needed to properly care for the slave as well as themselves. To be a slave owner with the goal of seeking the fortune of the slaves is fraudulent. A slave should contribute to its own keeping, should (if able) care for more than just the basic needs of the owner, but not be exploited.

TPE – TOTAL POWER EXCHANGE:
Most people who say they practice this, don’t really practice this. Save for a few limits, the slave surrenders all power. Long term, this includes legal and health decisions, power of attorney, and similar arrangements. This is not a light responsibility on the part of the owner. TPE means that the slave no longer thinks for itself, but only for and on behalf of the owner. Many in the lifestyle use this term but don’t mean it. A sub may live as such 24/7, but that doesn’t necessarily meant they are practicing TPE.

SEX:
I keep slaves in chastity, many subs are kept as such as well. Additionally, most slaves are cuckolded. I do at times have sexual relationship with my subs and/or slaves, but it isn’t a given. If I am just topping a person, it is rare for it to be sexual. If I have a romantic relationship with the sub, it probably includes sex. I am very much a voyeur, so with those who consent, I enjoy watching the intimate interactions of my subs/slaves, with each other. Again, this is based strictly on consent, quite a few slaves I have interviewed are celibate, and I would never violate that.

I have my own sex life. I am polyamorous and will not hide my sexuality in my own home. Anyone who serves me in any capacity will be aware of my intimate life. If you are not comfortable with this, if you are the jealous type, if you have a moral objection, if you’ll judge me on any level, you do not belong in my household.

I am frequently called prudish in my attitudes regarding sex. The fact that I work in the adult industry (as a performer), have studied sexuality academically, and am an intensely sexual person aside, this accusation is simply not true. BDSM can be without sex. For the sake of a discussion group, I prefer for the group to not be focusing on the sexual aspects of it, though I would hate for the topic to be completely missing. BDSM is about power exchange, which can include sex. I have grown tired of munch groups being little more than swinging hook up groups. I’m find with the notion of swinging and going for a hook up, but call it what it is. I’ll join a discussion group about BDSM, but if the group refers to BDSM as foreplay only, I’ll move on. I have better ways of spending my time.

Frequently, I do not have a sexual relationship with those whom I top/dominate/own. That isn’t to say I am lacking in arousal, but rather that it isn’t a part of our contractual agreement. There are plenty of times when a sub/bottom will get off and I won’t. The Domme remains in control. Period. Some of my subs/slaves service me sexually, but that is private and not any of your business.

For those who use the BDSM power play to seduce people outside of the agreed plan of the scene, you disgust me. I have been to munch group after munch group where members of leadership brag about banging the fresh meat. I have watched people explore the BDSM lifestyle for the first time, only to be given a lot of attention by munch leaders, invited to a private scene, end up having sex (though the munch group rules state that the group isn’t about hooking up) and for the new member to leave feeling manipulated, and not in a good way. Such subs often leave the munch group thinking that BDSM is about sexual exploitation. This behavior is loathsome and a disgrace to all of us who take this lifestyle seriously. This is damaging to them and it is damaging to all of us.

DISABILITY:
I am disabled. I have Fibromyalgia. I have had it for over 20 years, and it is only in the past few that doctors have started to take it seriously. If you research FMS you’ll come across a list of common symptoms. I have all of them, plus many not usually listed. I have secondary conditions that have resulted from the primary ones. I take medications for my medications. Some of my meds (but very few) blur my mind. I NEVER participate in beatings or dangerous activities when I take the meds that affect my thinking. I have often stayed in pain to avoid the blurred thinking, as I always put safety first. Being in my household means being aware of my disability. My subs and slaves often help me with health matters from massage to stretching. On rare occasions I am best served in a wheelchair. This does not make me any less dominant. I rarely allow others to push my chair, if you see someone who is, know that they are doing so out as an honor.

Note: These concepts and how I handle them are not unique to me. While hotly debated, nothing I have written above belongs to me alone. I seek to continue my education as a Domme on a regular basis and have been inspired by many others, too many to count or individually identify. If you feel your concept has been shared here, please let me know so I can give credit where it is due.

While a few friends have been supportive, the purest source of comfort was left behind. There was safety in the stillness. Warmth, too.

I fell asleep last night prostrate at the well of the healing waters, fingers dangling in. I had planned to pick myself back up again today and get on with things. That hasn’t quite happened. Mentally I am looking forward, but I haven’t gotten there yet.

I’m tired of talking about it. What I miss about the comfort I left behind was the ability to talk about it, without really talking about it. Her emails are comforting, though not the same.

I went to see the new Harry Potter tonight, a friend took me to help lift my spirits. It is deliciously dark. I miss the theatre department already. I’m pleased to have recognized an eyeshadow from my collection, to have known how to do some of the non-digital effects, and to have been able to better understand things such as lighting, color, music… All things I wish to bring into my professional life.

I am rethinking my professional life. I’ll stick to what I am doing for now, but need to figure out if it would be worth giving up the vanilla scene, and going into the darkness that feeds my soul. I have hedged away from doing what I love professionally, because when I did so before, I grew to hate what I loved. I think though, that it is different with a calling. To honor a calling and to earn a living doing so, that seems like the real ideal, doesn’t it?

Myself, two other adults, and a child were deeply compromised, at times in a sexual manner. One of the adults wasn’t here in person, the other adult is the parent of the child in question. The child seems to be unaware of what has happened, thankfully, because had he overheard any of it, he may have never bounced back. The worst of it landed on the other adult, but I don’t feel there is a better or worse, in situations like these.

I have been crying for a few days now, though I am no longer in a space to figure out which day is which. I have secured my safety which is a relief, but it means that now I need to plow through the emotional battle field and sort through the casualties.

My plane lands in Iowa tomorrow evening. My cell phone will be cut off on Monday. My internet will follow soon after. The financial cost in addition to the emotional costs are steep. I need to find roommates at a time where I don’t trust my judgments. I have probably lost the slave I was interviewing, because he misinterpreted my vague and lacking correspondences these past few days. I honestly thought I was doing really well in my life, and now I have to bottle up the trauma to survive, to compromise myself to get by, to return to grasping at straws.

I am in over my head.